Saturday, June 18, 2005

well hi there.

yes, yes it has been a bit now hasn't it? you love it. no i do.

lordy, i really have no idea where to even start. or if i even should. i've been experiencing a (an?) hormonal rager the past couple of days. my poor boy. my poor sweet boy. god love him. i know i do.

things are better than well. i bid adieu to the coorporate devil, and give a sugary *kiss* *kiss* to mom and pop's.

not sure where things will lead, but it's a pinhole of light that i appreciate. treasure even.

how lucky am i. damn this shoe-gazer indie tunage.

my optimism (idealism maybe). blame it on my friends. my liquor. me.

lord help me if i start to think i'm a poet.

Friday, April 08, 2005

for the sake of sighing.

let the trumpets start playing, because this is my official return to my blogging throne. don't get too excited, i fear the random tid-bits i'm about to divulge about my life may not be as entertaining as you'd hoped.

my saturday night activity? blogging. yep. i went out for drinks after work last night. got drunkies. i admit it. i was d.r.u.n.k. feeling it today. i just can't drink like i used to. i remember drinking when i was fifteen in germany, and never once knowing what a hangover felt like. until i reached college. then mr. hangover and i became best friends for 4 years. today we've spent some quality time rekindling our dear friendship.

i'm watching animal cops on animal planet. they're catching domesticated white rabbits in a backyard. it's hilarious. the guy was saying that there are still some rabbits "at large". that is hilarious. i think i'm done watching t.v. for the night when that is as amusing as it is to me right now. white rabbits at large. heh.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

slap happy.

Back in effect, as they say.

Got spanked hardcore by the parking gods on Tuesaday - I gave about $900 to the city so that 20 police cruisers can get new cup holders, and the ladies in the DPT department can get new ergonomic office chairs. That was fun. Standing in line with all the other DPT victims, it was all I could do not to lead them in a revolt. It is unreal how much money the city makes off of us. For what? Parking somewhere for a couple minutes too long, part of your car being parked where the curb is painted red, whatever. It is ludicris. I'm getting all worked up just thinking about it. You are now officially updated on my life. Onwards and upwards as they say.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Back to Dashboard

I should never give anyone shit for not blogging. Look at me - it's been since New Years.

Living the life I live the best I know how. Qoöl LA was an absolute blast (I'll post pictures soon). Pulled the surprise off on J & S better than I could've asked for. I went to Disneyland for the first time in my life *gasp*. Yes, yes I know. I was an underprivelaged child. Actually, I went to Disneyworld when I was 6, but my memories of that trip are vague and somewhat distorted. All I remember is screaming bloody murder on Space Mountain and having a really bad stomach ache at some crazy theme restaurant after the parade where all the floats are lit up with xmas lights. Oh, and Seaworld. I remember feeling sorry for Shamu (is that how you spell her name?) as she was performing lame tricks in an over-chlorinated-too-small tank.

I spent today in cleaning mode. I let my environment fester in clutter for a while to the point where my room becomes overrun with laundry (clean and dirty mind you) and loose cds, and then I go into "the zone". I cleaned our kitchen, living room, and bedroom like a maniac today. I couldn't bring myself to organize the CDs. Thats a project in and of itself. There's something cathartic in cleaning. I feel like I can breath again.

My life is in a good place. I'm content in the moment for the first time in a long time. It's been awhile since I've allowed myself to be that. I'm usually so focused on my future I forget to appreciate the now. It helps having an amazing boy/relationship, and equally as amazing friends. I know this year will be a good one for me. A year where I step into a direction. What direction that will be I'm still trying to figure out. I'm contemplating business school so I can get the information/education/debt I need to eventually start my own business of some sort. I know I need to be independent in that way - not work for any one but myself. I think that's why I was so focused on film (well, I still am focused on it. It's definitely not out of the picture). Complete control. That's what it's all about for me. So, figuring that out is big for me.

So that's where I am. Where the hell are you?

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Should auld acquaintance be forgot.

A new year. Can't believe it. What the hell happened? A recap of the year. Whoa. Harder than I thought. Forget it.

I guess this is a time where one is supposed to make resolutions - promises to oneself. When I had dinner with the family two nights ago we went around the table and said our resolutions. My brother Christian: To buy, or be in a position to buy, a house by the end of the year. My brother Mark: To not eat seconds at dinner. Me? Well, I said to either a) Go back to school or b) Further my career in some capacity. As soon as I said this Mark jumped on me saying "Can you get any more general?" And for once I think he may be right. I read my horoscope today, and it said something to the same effect. Stop focusing on the the greater picture, and start looking at the small changes you can make that can lead to a greater change. I guess what this means is that I need to take things day by day. Resolve to make small changes in my life that will set me up for the bigger ones. I know I'm guilty of looking too far ahead - stressing over the fact that I'm not where I think I should be. In the end, all it means is that I end up being distracted to the point where I'm not paying attention, or doing anything about, what is now. Now.

I suppose you might be wondering the significance of the title of this blog. I've lived in many places, and made a lot of friends. If I have one regret, it's not keeping in touch with these people. Granted, there are a handful I still make the conscious effort to "talk" to once or twice a year. Yeah, I said "year". Jessica and Sharon in North Carolina. Germany? Well, I lost touch with most of those kids a year or two or go. Davis? Well, my closest friends there are my closest friends still to this day. I wish I was the type to write all those people that were so important to me in the moment - at that time. But, I rationalize it. I figure that those people were important to me *at that time*. I think about them a lot - that should count for something. But now? Now, I think those people wouldn't really "get" me. The whole "sum of parts" concept. I'm still me. Still Jackie. But I'm the whole me now. Not the 3/4 or 1/2 that I was when I was in Germany or NC.

So, Nina, Christina, Olivia, Casey, Mike, Michael, Matthew, Alyssa, Hannah, Sandy, Corey, Justin, Christina, Sam, Paula, Melissa, Melina, Boogie, Andrew, and anyone else who shared those moments with me - I think of you. And I think of you often. I hope you are happy and well and living the lives you hoped and wished you would.


Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Porkchop Shmorkchop

Just a quick update on my evening yesterday. I left the house on the way to pick up my brother to discover my car had been towed (literally 5 minutes before I came outside). I apparently was blocking a driveway. We get to the restaurant only to discover.......the porkchop was not on the menu. Ummm....yea. And that is all.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Drei Luftballoons.

On my way into work this morning I saw three balloons tangled in a powerline at the intersection of 2nd and Brannan. Not a big deal really, but the balloons were my favorite combination of colors - pink/red, orange, and yellow. Fire colors. I was listening to Múm (ethereal indie soundscapes), and seeing those balloons seemed strangely profound. I'm not quite sure why. I think the music made that sight....poetic.

With the new year rapidly approaching, my thoughts today have of course been turning in the direction of, "Where the hell is my life going?" Not to say I'm not happy where I am for the most part - I'm surrounded by a lot of love, a lot of soul, and a lot of trust and loyalty on a lot of different levels. I live in a beautiful home with kickass roommates. I have a job that a lot of people would love to have because I work for amazing guys, and my work is *gasp* fun. I have all of this, and yet there is this underlying uneasiness. As if I'm antsy to get on with my life. Like my life is stagnant. I'm not sure what to do. I am sure of everything else in my life - from what I want to wear, to what I want to eat, to what movie I want to see, to who I want to hang out with - everything but what I want to do with my life. That is a big "decision". I shy away from saying decision, because I honestly feel like life is going to make the decision for me, not the other way around. Maybe I'm a naive fool to believe this. I almost feel like I'm waiting for my purpose to fall in my lap. The drive is there for whatever it is, but right now I'm the equivalent of a car whose engine has been warming up for 25 years, the shifter ison "D", but the e-brake is up.

I expressed this to one of my best friends and he came back at me with this:

"f I may be frank with you for a moment ... I know that you are always striving to be the best ... you are highly ambitous and competitive ... you are wrestless and full of energy ... and you are hard on yourself. You want to be great ... and are constantly looking forward to map out your path to greatness.

You need to stop and realize something on occassion ... you are great.

You are of the same mold as myself and D. ... always looking ahead to when things will be great ... always looking for something that is greater than what is. This drive is what makes us who we are. But take a moment to realize where you are and who you are at this moment, and you will realize that you are great ... and your life is great. Take a look at the path that brought you to today, and see that it has been a wild and wonderful ... and it's only just beginning.

You live on one of the greatest streets in the world, you have a ton of great friends surrounding you, you've seen a lot of the world in your travels, you have an amazing job, you're young, bright, and the majority of the world envies you. And thats just the tip of the iceberg.

I understand that you want to contribute something great ... but you need to realize that you already have, and you do every day. Our drive and desire tends to keep us from seeing our actual accomplishments ... and our actual selves."

I almost broke into tears when I read this (well yea, I'm hormonal, but still you have to admit....) I am so blessed, and so proud, to have the friends I do. I suppose that is an accomplishment in an of itself isn't it?

***

Today is my brother Mark's 29th birthday. We're going to the Buckeye in Mill Valley for dinner. I'm not sure if I've mentioned the porkchop there before. I'd be shocked if I haven't, because I have been virtually obsessed with the thing for 7 or 8 months. It is the best damn porkchop I have ever had. If the porkchop could hold an intelligent conversation, and cuddle, well hell - my boy would have some major competition. My sweet, darling porkchop. Mommy's coming soon.